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There is barely an original thought in this wackadoodle sci-fi panto, just a lot of tiresome passé attitudes skidding among bug-eyed-monster set dressing. Tara Reid Wigs Out at Red Carpet Premiere of Valerian and The City of a Thousand Planets. Apple Hd Movies Unforgettable (2017) here. By Dave Quinn . Posted on July 18, 2017 at.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets movie review: story of a thousand clich! When I, a woman, think about having adventures in the future in space, I always imagine that I am perfect and brilliant and that whatever journey I needed to take to achieve this superiority to all others around me is so unimportant that it’s not worth mentioning. I dunno, maybe women are born perfect. Maybe Besson just somehow knows that women are not flawed, complicated, messed- up human beings but paragons of light and honor who exist solely to serve as ultimate ideals for men to aspire to, and to be inspired by. Anyway, oh yes, in my head, I dream of being able to hang out with a fucked- up jerk who wants nothing else to but to get into my pants, and to one day deliver to him a speech about the power of love that will finally elevate him to such worthiness as I will at last deign to suck face with him. This is my fantasy. And Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is the cinematic realization of it.

Thank you, Luc Besson (Lucy, The Extraordinary Adventures of Ad? Is this where the subplot about my hopes and fears got tossed?”*deep, calming breath*I am utilizing sarcasm only so that I do not fly off into a gut- busting, vein- bursting rage.

I am also laughing out loud, derisively, at the idea that Valerian is an “original” story (as seen in a piece at Vulture fretting that the flopping of this movie in the US means audiences just can’t handle anything science- fictional that isn’t Marvel or Star Wars). And I’m not talking about the fact that this is based on the visually influential French comic Valerian and Laureline. Is reckless bad- boy- who- sleeps- around- and- can’t- commit secret- agent Valerian (a woefully miscast Dane De. Haan: A Cure for Wellness, Life) meant to be a fresh and clever invention? Is his partner, supercompetent Laureline (an only slightly less miscast Cara Delevingne: Suicide Squad, Paper Towns), who is always saving his ass from his own ineptness?

This is a dynamic we see way too often.) Dude is constantly hitting on her, asking her to marry him, and will not take No for an answer, and eventually she does give in. No does mean Yes, eventually! What a wonderful lesson for us all.) Is any of this anything our collective pop- cultural storytelling hasn’t been positively steeped in since forever? Spoiler: It is not. You know, some real science- fictional thinking maybe wouldn’t be so heteronormative, so 1. It’s centuries in the future here!

Does Besson really want to invoke sexual norms on a par with The Jetsons?(Ah, I would like to know how the hell this is supposed to be the 2. The opening sequence jumps from the 2. That’s 2. 6th century.)“Pandora? Never heard of it.”Also, this is a movie about how Valerian — with some moral prodding from Laureline — will be a human savior to noble- savage aliens, beautiful and peaceful and gentle and patrician who look pretty human except taller and more willowy, but still with pert breasts you can almost see under their filmy clothes. Pretty aliens who can help Valerian become a better man: this is what consumes most of the convoluted plot of this dumb movie.

You know what would have been kinda cool? If the movie had been about those aliens instead of about the human asshole who mostly thinks with his penis and we’re supposed to imagine that makes him cool.(As with Besson’s The Fifth Element, this is a movie in which entire worlds are saved from ultimate destruction because a man learned the meaning of love. The narcissism of this is breathtaking.)You know what would have been cool and clever and fresh and original and not something we’d already seen a half a gazillion times? If any of the aliens here were anything more than bug- eyed- monster set dressing in a wackadoodle sci- fi panto, if some truly alien ideas and truly alien cultures had any impact whatsoever on anything that happens.

There is one clever science- fictional thing I don’t recall ever seeing before here: a sequence involving a mission to steal a macguffin across dimensions. This really is authentically science- fictional. It’s a magical alien aardvark that shit- replicates whatever you feed it.

That’s not science fiction: that’s just wishful thinking. The little critter is cute, though.) But that consumes about 1. Mostly, I see clich.

I see a lot of neon lighting up an alien marketplace — so original. I see muddled space chases in which it’s difficult to see anything that’s happening except when Valerian and Laureline’s ship slips through narrow spaces just like the Millennium Falcon does, by flipping sideways. I see that we can instantly guess who the villain is, from the moment that character steps onscreen.

I see a city of a thousand planets, a space station that is a conglomerate of hundreds of alien races, and yet almost every significant character is human, and most of those are white and male. I see “dazzling” CGI standing in for character and story. I see cringeworthy banter meant to indicate a palpable sexual tension between Valerian and Laureline (it fails). I see that men cannot imagine a future in which women are not sold sexually to men.“We’re actually quite enlightened beings with a rich culture, but sure, we’ll do an alien shuck- and- jive for you.”Oh, didn’t I mention? The only other substantive female character in Besson’s wet dream of a movie is literally a sex slave — one with a heart of gold, of course — whom Valerian can rescue, and who will then also serve his personal journey to make him a better person. Alien Bubble can shapeshift to suit a man’s fantasies — like, say, Valerian’s — and whaddaya know?

Men’s ideas about “sexy” are still stuck on “naughty schoolgirl” and “French maid.” Seriously? Bonus points to Besson to casting singer Rihanna (Home, Annie) as Bubble, because then Valerian gets to be not only a human savior to a downtrodden alien but also a more tediously traditional white savior. Not in the least.

This is no reflection on Rihanna, whom I think is terrific, but the entire sequence with Bubble could have been deleted from the film without impacting the story one whit, which would have had the additional benefit of bringing the running time down to something more reasonable. The fact that it remains tells us how friggin’ much Besson is into his alien- sex- slave- with- a- heart- of- gold rescue fantasy. Barf. I’m gonna go ahead and call bullshit on these fake geek dudes who don’t have a science- fictional idea in their heads that does not serve their boners, their sense of supremacy, or their assumed privilege.

Someday, maybe, if they try hard enough, they might come up with a story that doesn’t put themselves squarely at the center of the universe, that actually takes advantage of the whole damn point of science fiction: that it allows you to imagine the world as something other than it is.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets Review. Share. That's the simplest synopsis for this unwieldy story, penned by Besson, that is often an incoherent mess populated with underserved characters.

Paced like an old serial, some . The story's biggest, most jarring detour - - when Valerian sets out to rescue a captured Laureline - - essentially stops the narrative momentum flat in a sequence that offers a lot of zany, kid- friendly humor which actress Cara Delevingne, unfortunately, can't quite sell.

Speaking of Cara .. Valerian's biggest problem, the hollow center of the film, is its two main characters, Valerian and Laureline. Their relationship is contrived and lacks dimension, and Dane De. Haan and Cara Delevingne simply don't have much chemistry. They're the two characters with the lowest stakes in this story and are the least interesting ones to spend time with, which is obviously a huge detriment when they are the leads. It's also tough to buy two such small, wispy actors as best of the best space cops Valerian and Laureline (the stars bear scant resemblance to their comic book counterparts). While both actors see plenty of action, even in mech suits that enhance their characters’ speed and strength, De.

Haan and Delevingne hardly make for imposing combatants. Valerian's romantic pursuit of Laureline plays out like a live- action version of a Pepe Le. Pew cartoon, but it would require a more roguishly charming lead than De.

Haan to pull off such an antiquated approach. All of which is to say that Valerian himself is often the weakest thing about Valerian the movie. Faring much better is singer- actress Rihanna. Initially, her appearance feels like a wasted supporting role in a needless burlesque diversion, but then her character is revealed to be far more dimensional and moving than expected. Rihanna ends up being one of Valerian's most pleasant surprises, even if ultimately the subplot she's integral to only serves to kill the momentum of the primary storyline. Nevertheless, I felt more for her character than I ever did either of the two leads.

Clive Owen has a small but key role as the military commander Valerian and Laureline are charged with protecting (and who dresses like a cross between M. Bison and an Aer Lingus pilot), while Ethan Hawke has a brief turn as a sort of space pimp meets Kid Rock. Music legend Herbie Hancock also cameos as Valerian and Laureline’s chief commanding officer. Outside of Rihanna, though, none of these supporting performers ultimately register all that much. Besson is known as an action auteur and Valerian features one particularly clever, inter- dimensional chase scene that evokes both virtual reality and open world games. It's set on a barren tourist trap of a planet on one side of reality and then a boisterous, marketplace planet on the other. Valerian never quite recaptures the inventiveness of this early action sequence.

Where Valerian pops most is in its visuals, creature designs, and world- building. This movie is chock full of visual details to behold in nearly every shot, whether it's showcasing a diverse array of alien species or immersing you in its vividly realized settings.

While the film's wall- to- wall green screen effects can become exhausting, Valerian nevertheless takes the viewer on a wondrous journey to other realms. Valerian's sheer variety of aliens - - underwater creatures, giant robots, shape- shifting blobs, kid- friendly critters - - is truly impressive, although some are certainly stronger designs than others. This diversity of aliens speaks to the film's Star Trek- like, hopeful vision of the future where relatively peaceful coexistence is possible.

There's an optimism and idealism at the core of Valerian that's commendable and a welcome relief from what seems like an endless glut of dystopian visions of the future. However, this movie also shows the cost of one civilization's aggressive expansion and the ghosts created by such violence. Valerian is like a sampler appetizer of different flavors of sci- fi, from pulpy serials (Flash Gordon) to the socially conscious (Trek and Avatar) to modern space operas (Star Wars and Guardians). But Jupiter Ascending was also like that and it proved a giant commercial flop. Valerian also faces the same challenge John Carter had, where it may seem derivative of the very films, like Star Wars, that its older source material may have helped inspire. Valerian is certainly a hugely expensive gamble, the rare big genre movie that isn't pre- sold IP.

I wish I could be a bigger champion of it then but Luc Besson conjured more compelling visuals and set- pieces than he did characters and a story. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. Rooted in the classic Valerian and Laureline graphic novel series, visionary writer/director Luc Besson advances iconic source material into a contemporary, unique and epic science fiction saga with Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.