Why Your Team Sucks 2. Philadelphia Eagles. Some people are fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

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Your team: Philadelphia Eagles. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 7- 9.

I promise you that will not stop these fans from thinking that they’re poised to go 1. Philly fans talk a good hate game, but secretly they’re the most gullible marks in the world. Your coach: Doug Pederson, who always looks like he’s about to offer you a hamburger off his grill.

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Pederson is only in his second season and yet—bizarrely—he’s already on the hot seat and being treated as a placeholder body (just like when he was a QB!) by football ops guy and possible Stephen Miller body double Howie Roseman: Doug stayed to the side. Doug did not speak unless spoken to first. Doug did not assert. Doug confirmed. Doug nodded in agreement. Doug deferred. Doug did not betray or reveal any contributions to the research and scouting and thought process that went into each draft pick, because Doug is not Andy Reid or Chip Kelly or Bill Belichick or any number of head coaches who act or have acted as the nerve centers for their respective teams. This was Roseman and Douglas’ show, their exchanged glances and the awkward anecdotes about their collaboration reaffirming how closely they had worked together and how relatively small Pederson’s role had been. That seems healthy.

Why can’t this team have a NORMAL relationship with its coach? There’s less jockeying for power in the White House, for shit’s sake. Your quarterback: Dakota Boy. This guy and his fucking hunting trips. I’ve really, truly had enough. We get it, kid. You like to hunt. You’re a COUNTRY BOY OOOOOOOH.

Congrats on being every baseball player ever. If there were such a thing as karma, one of Carson Wentz’s own linemen would have accidentally blasted his foot off. It’s like someone took the worst parts of JJ Watt and made a QB out of it. Meanwhile, Wentz’s game log from last season read like someone charted declining literacy rates in Bridesburg.

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He was the Second Coming for three games and then proceeded to suck. If he were black, people would have said they finally got tape on him. But because he’s white and hunts, he’ll get another 1.

Bible- humping jackass. Backing up Wentz is whatever’s left of Nick Foles’s confidence. What’s new that sucks: It’s a hallmark of Howie Roseman’s tenure that any time this team shows a whiff of promise, they must instantly go into WIN NOW OR ELSE IT’S EVERYONE ELSE’S FAULT BUT HOWIE’S mode. Hence bringing in Alshon Jeffery (hurt already), Torrey Smith, Chris Long, Timmy Jernigan, and Le. Garrette Blount, who is worthless any time he isn’t playing for New England. One step out of Massachusetts and the man magically gains 6. Today, they traded away Jordan Matthews and are left with the only group of wideouts on earth who drop more passes than he does.

All of this is destined to fail. These are the Eagles. You should know this by now. However, the city of Philadelphia is currently in the grip of a strange disease brought on by the failed former general manager of the city’s most hapless sports franchise. Now every hapless Philly team is spouting TRUST THE PROCESS like a bunch of braindead goons. Pederson said it. Roseman said it. As if you should ever trust the process of any Philly team.

Have you MET Philadelphia? This is where promise goes to die. You guys are the same sorry bunch of meat- breathing losers you’ve always been, and the Eagles are still run by the same office politician who brought you the Vince Young/Nnamdi Asomugha Dream Team. The last supposed visionary this team employed got shoved out of town after less than three years of service. But give these people a white redneck at QB and suddenly they’re all sunshine and rainbows.

What a load. There’s every possibility that Wentz will struggle in his second season, and the defense will blow, after which everyone will chuck their patience and start screaming for blame. And you know what?

That’s for the best. It’s like seeing John Daly in a tuxedo.

IS IT SOMETHING IN THE WOODER? Literally every Eagles fan is a racist bald guy in a Buddy Ryan- era jersey. What has always sucked: Jeff Lurie is the exact kind of billionaire liberal fundraiser raconteur that deserves to be sealed in an oil tanker. He can hang with Spielberg and talk a big game about putting a nacho compost pile in the corner of the Linc, but he’s just as much of a humorless, dictatorial bastard as the rest of them: Fuck him. As for Philly, no one who talks about it as an up- and- coming the city has ever been west of 4.

Street. Philly’s subway system literally goes up and down just three streets, and until less than a year ago it used tokens. Now there’s a new pass system, and it’s very simple, but in perfect Philly fashion, everyone is too stupid to understand even that somehow, which is why everyone thinks it sucks. The stadiums are in a shitty, out of the way giant parking lot that is walkable to nothing except the hulking Xfinity Live supermeatheadbar. Philly’s big culinary creations are the complicated concoctions of “hot meat and cheese on bread” and “cold meat and cheese on bread.” There is, for some reason, a giant dude in the skyline. There is, for some other reason, a statue of a fictional boxer that is one of the city’s top tourist attractions.

The humidity is approximately 2. And the Eagles are somehow even worse. Since Mc. Nabb left, the only good moments the Eagles have had were directed by a fat little idiot from college alongside a dog killer. And the racist fans didn’t like Mc.

Nabb, the best QB the team has ever had, anyway. The new- ish stadium is somehow a worse place to watch a game than the toilet the team used to play in, and every year they sign free agents who bomb. They’re never going to win a Super Bowl. Serves you all right. You people think eating at a gas station is the height of cuisine. Did you know? Amoroso rolls are the new batteries.

There really isn’t anything else to write. Enjoy the perfect timing in this slice of today’s. Andy: Temple University football has won more championship trophies at Lincoln Financial Field than the Eagles have. Justin: The best QBs in this teams modern era have been Randall Cunningham, Donovan Mc. Nabb and Michael Vick - all guys I’ve heard described in the parking lot as quarterbacks who “could not read a defense.” Now everyone is happy with Flacco Jr. Mark: They make the Phillies look like they have potential, make the Flyers look like they have nice fans and make the Sixers look smart.

Joe: Kellyanne Conway. David: Our idiot mouth breathing fans and lazy sports radio hosts love to talk about defensive end Brandon Graham like he’s an all- pro. Graham had 5. 5 sacks last year. Sean: I’m an Eagles fan, and I hate 9.

Eagles fans. Philly citizenry buy the most sweatpants in America. Ian: I searched my gmail outbox for “Philadelphia Eagles” to make sure I wasn’t submitting anything I’d sent in previous years. I found the following outgoing subject lines, presented chronologically: 1. I hate life 1. They are dead to me 4/2. I’ll kill you 5/1/0. Oh fuck 6/2. 9/0.

I owe you an apology 1. There were two people in feet costumes behind Rex Ryan at the game yesterday 1/1. Football Sunday? Absolutely not 4/2. Fucking TEBOW? Challenging a 2- yard reception in the 3rd quarter of a game so that instead of 2nd and 8 it was 2nd and 1.

Matt: The best QB in team history threw- up during our only Super Bowl appearance in my lifetime (I’m almost 3. WR on a team that employed Todd Pinkston having to call a play in the huddle. We let FRED- EX call a play in the Super Bowl. William: Two seasons ago my Dad and I went to see the Eagles play Miami. Seated behind us were three of the most miserable human beings on the planet, who provided running commentary throughout the game.

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